Is It Better to Expect Nothing From Others?

— What do you think?

— I’d say we shouldn’t expect anything from others.

— Oh please, you make me laugh! That’s the answer of someone jaded, someone disappointed with humanity who no longer expects anything from anyone.

— You’re the one who makes me smile. You’re projecting your own view of relationships onto me, as if, to reach out to others, you had to expect something from them. But if that’s how you see things, can you see the problem?

— Yes, I risk being disappointed if I don’t get what I expect from them. And with that system, I don’t go towards others out of curiosity, but because I expect something from them: that they do me favours or reassure me.

— Isn’t that a bit self-centred?

— Yes, it’s true, it’s not a way of going towards others but rather of turning them towards oneself. All right — but isn’t it a bit too radical to think we should expect nothing? We live in a society, we are interdependent and we all need one another.

— Yes, of course society works that way: we do each other favours, it’s practical and it makes daily life easier. But I don’t have to expect others to do me those favours.

— Even the members of my family? Can’t I at least count on them? Know that they’re there to help me, to support me if I need it?

— In a family, and in a friendship or a love relationship, of course we do things for each other. Parents take care of their children; in a couple, each supports the other. But it isn’t tit for tat. There too, I give, but I have nothing to expect in return — and if I do expect something, that’s the end of love!

— You’re not wrong. It’s true that we sometimes see parents expecting something in return from their children, or someone expecting certain things from their partner and, when they aren’t satisfied, sinking into disappointment and bitterness. I agree with you — but isn’t love also about supporting each other, taking care of each other, facing life’s difficulties together?

— Yes, when it comes, it’s good, but it can’t be demanded. Sometimes a relationship shrinks to an exchange of services: I did the dishes yesterday, so you do the vacuuming this morning. When actions don’t match expectations, we fall into grudges, petty calculations and power struggles that end up destroying all that can be greatest in love. When actions do match expectations, it isn’t much better, because love is reduced to these kinds of transactions.

This may be why the philosopher Cioran’s idea that it is important to disappoint others can make sense. If I disappoint the other person, they can reflect on the meaning of their expectations. They understand that I am not there for them, that they can draw on their own resources, that I am not indispensable to them any more than they are to me — and that is precisely what makes love possible. And if the other person disappoints me, I understand that love is something other than an exchange of services or a way of reassuring each other. I understand that love can only arise between strong, autonomous people, and that, if it is genuine, it pushes us to develop that kind of strength.

— You’re going a bit far! You’re so radical! Isn’t love first of all tenderness, attention, care?

— I’m talking about caring for a soul, which doesn’t mean merely reassuring it.

And You — What Do You Expect From Others?

Attention?

Support?

Recognition?

And what happens when these expectations aren’t met?

Disappointment, frustration, resentment…

These mechanisms are rarely examined, even though they deeply shape our relationships.