Can We Live a Romantic Relationship Without Projecting?

Below are some of the ideas that came up during a philosophy workshop in Dijon.

If you'd like to examine this alone or as a couple, you can contact me and book an appointment here: laurencelevant@gmail.com or +33 6 10 44 78 59

Can we love without projecting?

In a romantic relationship, projection seems inevitable. It takes at least two forms:

1° On one hand, we project onto the relationship itself — shared plans, a common future: buying a house, traveling, having children.

2° On the other hand, we project onto the other person: we attribute qualities to them, sometimes idealized, often directly tied to our own needs or lacks — their sensitivity, their intelligence, their gentleness, their strength…

But what exactly does this “projection” refer to? Is it an illusion, an anticipation, a reading of reality shaped by our own desire? Is projection a form of romantic misunderstanding, or a necessary stage of any encounter?

We all have expectations, often unconscious ones. The other person becomes the screen onto which they are drawn. Seeing the other “as they really are” may well be an unreachable ideal. Projection is therefore not a problem in itself: it is part of love. But it becomes a problem when it hides the other person to the point of preventing us from truly meeting them.

Projecting onto the relationship: between a dreamed-of future and a trap

When, as a couple, we picture a shared plan, it's common to assume that this plan is genuinely shared. But is it? Have we truly questioned the other person's motivation? Or have we simply assumed they were on board, because it suited us? At what point does persuading become forcing?

There is a tension here: wanting to build a future together can also become a way of escaping the present. Is loving about building the future, or about welcoming what is, here and now? But conversely, when the present fulfills us, isn't it natural to want it to last? A shared plan can then be born of a sincere impulse, not a need for control.

Love constantly oscillates between the pull toward the future and surrender to the present.

Projecting onto the other person: between recognition and dependence

When we project qualities onto the other person, it isn't always out of disinterested admiration. Very often, this projection serves our own interest: we see in the other person someone who could fill our own lacks. I need gentleness, so I believe you are gentle. I need to be listened to, so I'm convinced you are attentive.

But within this illusion, two risks emerge:

Disappointment: the other person doesn't live up to what we expected of them. They cannot, or will not, or not in the way we imagined.

Disappointment: the other person doesn't live up to what we expected of them. They cannot, or will not, or not in the way we imagined.

Emotional dependence: we tie our well-being to an image of the other person, rather than to who they really are.

Emotional dependence: we tie our well-being to an image of the other person, rather than to who they really are.

And yet, projection is not always a trap. It can also be a fruitful word. It's because we believe in someone that they can start believing in themselves. The story of Pierre, who became a professional magician, shows this. One day, a friend told him: “you're a magician too.” That sentence became a trigger, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But this only works if the projected quality is already dormant somewhere within us. Otherwise, we only end up playing a role to please — until exhaustion, and sometimes until we lose ourselves.

When the other person cannot become what we see in them

What if the other person doesn't want to, or cannot, match our projections? Éric's story shows this: he loved a woman he thought he could support in her professional project. He believed in her more than she believed in herself. But she never managed to believe in herself, to take the leap. Éric's love wasn't enough. Perhaps it even unintentionally trapped her under a crushing expectation. The relationship didn't hold.

Then another question arises:

Can love survive the collapse of projections?

Is it possible to love without a plan, without projection?

A strong idea emerged during our discussion: it might be possible to love without a plan, without projection, once the relationship no longer exists — when the bond is broken or the person has died. Love goes on existing, without expectation. It becomes a living memory, an inner presence, but without demand.

Is it only when the other is absent that we stop projecting onto them?

And if so, can we truly love someone who is alive without bending them to our desires, without enlisting them in our own scripts? Can we love without hoping, without wanting, without expecting?

Thinking about what we project (or what we avoid seeing)

These questions are not purely theoretical.

They are lived concretely: in waiting, in doubt, in disappointments, and in hope too.

We can stay caught in these tensions for a long time without managing to see clearly.

Because alone, we often circle around the same ideas.

Do you recognize yourself in these situations?

Do you struggle to distinguish the other person from what you expect of them?

Do you struggle to distinguish the other person from what you expect of them?

Do you waver between sincere attachment and illusion?

Do you waver between sincere attachment and illusion?

Do you feel like you keep repeating the same patterns in your relationships?

Do you feel like you keep repeating the same patterns in your relationships?

These difficulties don't disappear on their own.

They need to be examined, tested, clarified.

This is exactly what a philosophical consultation makes possible.

A space to:

question what you project

question what you project

bring your underlying assumptions to light

bring your underlying assumptions to light

distinguish what you believe, what you want, and what actually is

distinguish what you believe, what you want, and what actually is

Thanks to Christophe, Pierre, Lucille, Isabelle, Claire, Florence, Éric, Laurence, Myram, Andréa, Florence, and Pascale for their ideas during this philosophy workshop.

You may have recognized yourself in these mechanisms.

But in your own relationship, what belongs to reality… and what belongs to your projections?

Understanding these dynamics isn't always enough.

Seeing them at work in one's own relationship is another step.

👉 This is precisely what a philosophical consultation (alone or as a couple) makes possible.

And some podcasts on Spotify to continue reflecting on love:

What do we love about love?

What do we love about love?

Love and sexual desire

Love and sexual desire

Do we want to love, or to be loved?

Do we want to love, or to be loved?

Philosophical reflections